Hulk and She-Hulk Ruin America

I just don't understand anything anymore. What is the meaning of all of this? What happened to you Hulkster? Now I wish Andre the Giant had just finished him at Wrestlemania 3 and saved us all from this horror! And why is Jimmy Hart there? So many questions....

Trick 'r Treat

Little Sam, ready for his favorite holiday of the year!

Happy Halloween, gals and ghouls! If you're looking for that perfect movie to set the mood, might I suggest a little gem that came out in 2007. For some reason, NOBODY got a chance to see this in the theaters. I guess the movie company thought nobody would get it. I heard about it in all the usual circles: Fangoria, AICN, etc. The movie is Trick 'r Treat. This movie is totally Halloween. It doesn't just take place during the holiday, it celebrates it. It's a little Creepshow and a little Pulp Fiction. Trick 'r Treat is an anthology, with four related stories told in comic book fashion. But it's also told out of order, with characters coming in and out of each story. It's fun to see small background events become larger in different stories. The cast is made up of a bunch of actors you've seen in other places, but they're not big stars yet. The biggest name is Anna Paquin, who plays a not so vulnerable Red Riding Hood. There's a little gore, a little skin and a lot of fun Halloween scares. It's short and effective. Almost everybody will enjoy this and it would make a nice compliment to that Halloween showing you've got planned. Don't get confused though, there are other Trick 'r Treat's out there. Don't make the mistake and pick the wrong one. Look for the one with little Sam on the front.

Horrifying!!!!!

Wow, what a mess.

If this commercial doesn't give you the creeps... then maybe you don't scare easily, I don't know. It's fucking creepy.

Uhhhhh...Somebody actually bought that monstrosity for $1900,
http://www.clothesoffourback.org/product_info.php?products_id=4208

Big Guns and Bigger Boobs

Sometimes it's hard to think of things to write about. I've got so much mediocrity floating around in my head it can be hard to shake something loose. To help jar an idea out, I like to dick around Netflix, randomly searching for things. It was this pointless activity that led me to the genuis that is/was (is he dead?) Andy Sidaris. Never heard of him, that's okay, that's why I'm here. Ol Andy was a good ol boy who worked in TV and then decided to get into the movie buisness. Andy loved two things Tits (Big Tits) and Guns. So Andy went out and made some of the most mediocre Tit and Gun movies you'll ever see. All of them are hilarious. And all of them were big hits in the early days of Cable and Home Video. Some of his best movies were: Malibu Express, Hard Ticket to Hawaii and Picasso Trigger. All the plots were virtually the same, featuring mostly the same actors. Of course the ladies were the real stars and were either Playboy or Penthouse models. Some of his talented ladies were: Julie Strain, Dona Speir, Roberta Vasquez (my favorite), and Shae Marks. Aside from copious amounts of boobies, Sidaris' films featured the biggest and best guns and explosions money could buy. Okay, almost the biggest and best. Most of his movies make no sense, but who cares. He knew what the audience wanted and he delivered. Andy really picked up the ball from Russ Myer and ran with it. Cable TV was a lot more fun when Andy's movies were playing. His movies are out there and cheap in a lot of cases. If you're having a slow night and you want some so-so action with huge boobies, check out the Andy Sidaris lineup.


Fuck You Anaconda!


Wow, Sybill Danning was '80's hot! Also, sorry about the picture quality.


Okay, this doesn't have anything to do with Andy Sidaris, but it's a great example of the 1980's and it's weirdness and awesomeness.

Hanzo the Razor: Sword of Justice



Our Hero

Japan is kind of fucked up. They are on the cutting edge of technology and very traditional. But their entertainment is beyond belief. Maybe it's our fault. We did drop TWO atomic bombs on them. That could lead to some country wide psychological issues. Regardless, Hanzo the Razor is a samurai film with an awesome twist. It's really a hard boiled cop movie. Like Dirty Harry or McQ, Hanzo is a beat cop who just wants to clean up the streets. Of course the setting isn't modern day San Francisco or the mean streets of New York but feudal Japan. He fights with his superiors as any hard boiled cop will and he deals out hot plates of justice with his sword and other martial weapons. Hanzo's main weapon however is his...."short sword" if you will. Hanzo goes to great lengths to train his hog, pouring hot water on it, pounding it with a stick and thrusting it into a bag of rice. He uses his tool to force information and confessions out of women involved in crimes. As with all things Japanese, women are subservient and used by the male characters. It's no different in this one. The hanging net scene is so strange and goofy, that you can't really be offended by it, but it's close. The kung-fu/sword play is bad and Hanzo is a chinless skinny-fat guy with mutton chops. I'm not sure you can call his character likable as he goes to extremes to fight crime. You would never see Dirty Harry stab a guy in the face, fake his death and then use him for information later and then let him die. Hanzo does it though. Sword of Justice was the first of a trilogy, the first probably being the best. Hanzo is an odd, somewhat disturbing movie, but the attempt to make it different from other martial arts films is noteworthy. Even the soundtrack is done in the cop movie style made famous in the U.S. I would recommend this for exploitation fans and vets of these types of movies. Exploitation rookies should probably steer clear, although it's not going to kill you to check it out. I'm not afraid to say I'm a fan, but it's not for everybody.



Family Guy's Audience

This is funny, too bad not much else on Family Guy is anymore.

Family Guy has run it's course. It was a great show that first season, but maybe it got canceled for a reason, no one was fucking watching it. Now Seth Macfarlane is a gazilionaire and FOX puts all of his garbage on the air. I think this video pretty much tells you who's keeping Family Guy on the air:



The guy with the camera sucks. Get a goddamn tripod! Greatest dog ever though. I need to get one.

Malone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!and his Wig

Have you ever seen such intensity?

In the late 1980's Burt Reynolds made a series of action films that were just amazing. Although all three are unrelated, they share the same tough guy attitude. Stick came first in 1985, followed by Heat in 1986 and finally Malone in 1987. The first of the action trilogy I'm going to profile is Malone. It's a straight forward tale. Burt and his wig are Malone, a former CIA assassin who has had enough of the game. He bails out on his last job and goes on the run. He retreats to the mountains of Washington state and tries to find peace. Unfortunately, his car breaks down in a small town that just so happens to be the home of a white supremacist militia group headed by Cliff Robertson. Malone befriends a garage owner who refuses to sell his land. Soon, Malone runs afoul of the militia and the action starts. The violence and gore are brief, but over the top. The gunshot wounds are gigantic and bloody. The scene in the middle of the film, where Malone is confronted by two would be assassins is a violent masterpiece. Burt and his wig kick major ass, blasting away with their shotgun. Of course Malone finds time for love as he reignites a romance with an old flame who is sent by the CIA to kill him. But as with all action heroes, love is never meant to last and she is killed minutes after making sweet love to our hero. Of course this means revenge and Malone and his wig comply. The finale is similar to Roadhouse and since Malone came first, I'll go ahead and say Roadhouse stole its ending from Malone. Burt Reynolds does a great job of portraying the stoic, troubled hero, with more baggage and pain than you could imagine. And of course his hair is amazing. I just don't understand what's going on there. Both Burt and Shatner must shop at the same wig store because they look interchangeable. Anyway, the wig only comes close to harm in one scene, as Malone chokes out a scum bag. For a second I thought the guy was going to grab a hold of it, but Burt was able to finish him off before any harm came to the wig. It was a close one. Malone is a great example of an action film done right. It's not over the top, it's subtle, but when shit goes down it's bloody and graphic. Netflix is currently streaming it, so check it out if you want to see a man and his wig kick ass.

Once Upon a Time...

1982 -1991: The Awesome Years

1991 - present: The "What the Fuck!" years

Happy NFL Sunday! I love football, specifically pro football. Being the Master of the Mediocre, my favorite team is the epitome of mediocrity, the Washington Redskins. Once upon a time these guys were amazing and always fun. Now, they can still be fun, but more times than not they play agonizing nail biters. If you're a fan of any sports team, you're no stranger to suffering with your team. Every year we Washingtonians cling to the hope of a winning season. We also have to deal with an outrageous number of Dallas Cowboys fans who somehow liter our area. I can understand Eagles and Giants fans since they are only a short drive up I-95, but Cowboys fans? They're just a bunch of contrary assholes who couldn't find Dallas on a map. Anyway, since today's Redskins' game isn't on until late and we're stuck watching the team Baltimore stole, I thought I'd throw something up that hearkens back to the salad days of the franchise. Enjoy.

Sometimes yuck, Most times feck.

Who needs The Hunchback of Notre Dame? Overly literate nonsense only makes me sleepy. Victor Hugo can gargle my balls. Now does anyone remember Big Man on Campus? Now we're talking entertainment! It's a ridiculously dumb movie, but it always cracks me up. It's about a hunchback played by Alan Katz, that lives in the attic of UCLA. He's discovered and befriended by the poor man's Jon Cryer, Corey Parker. Along the way Tom Skerritt and Shirley from Laverne and Shirley show up to help our hunched back hero. The hunchback names himself Bob Maloogaloogaloogaloogalooga, so you can tell we're dealing with high brow comedy. He falls in love with Corey Parker's girl, leading to romantic comedy hijinks's. Some of my favorite parts include: his speed reading, asking for two chicken faces and disgustingly scarfing down tons of chocolate. The people who actually know what this movie is are special people indeed, because it has never made it to DVD and may never be seen again. If you can find it, check it out and join our club.

A Honky Tonk Man for the Defense

My best gal saw this on T.V. today and immediately thought of me. Some "winner" was on the Judge Pirro show suing a guy he had bought a championship belt from. Now, bringing this bullshit to small claims court takes balls, but the sticking point in this case concerned who had previously worn the belt. The former owner was said to be none other than "The Greatest Intercontinental Champion of All Time", The Honky Tonk Man. The plaintiff claimed there was no way Honky had ever worn the belt and was refusing to pay. In order to defend himself, the defendant brought a special expert witness. Behold the man himself.

HTM as I like to call him, confirmed that the belt had in fact been his and everyone was happy. Johnny Litigious paid up and took his prize home, where he pranced around in his underwear, flexing his non-muscles. Honky sure fills out that jumpsuit, he takes the Elvis gimmick super seriously. Lets hope he ends up face down in shag carpet like the "King".

There's a Clown Outside Your House Right Now!



The Never-Never Van



Extremo in Action!

The Internet is full of nightmares. Meet Extremo the Clown. He lives in Portland, Oregon. Check out this video and imagine this guy creeping through your back yard at midnight. The same song is playing, only that isn't a monkey in his hand, it's a knife! Here's his website for the creepiest clown pic ever: http://www.extremotheclown.com/ Pleasant dreams...

Death Blossoming

Ask any male that grew up in the eighties about The Last Starfighter and I'm sure they'll all say the same thing, "It's fucking great!" It took every Star Wars crazed fantasy and made it reality. Imagine your playing a video game and you discover it's really a recruitment tool for an intergalactic army. That's what The Last Starfighter is all about. Alex Rogan masters the video game that mysteriously appears at his trailer park. Soon he finds himself whisked away by Centauri, an alien flim-flam man who takes him into space to the planet Rylos, which is at war. Alex initially refuses, but after all the other Starfighters are wiped out and threats appear back on Earth, Alex takes on the role as....you guessed it, The Last Starfighter. For 1984, the special effects and CGI are really amazing. The space combat is great to look at and different from Star Wars and other sci-fi films. I always heard there was an actual stand up Last Starfighter game, but I think it's urban legend. If this was made today, the game would be everywhere. Another one of those early eighties classics. I like to think of The Last Starfighter as the sci-fi movie John Hughes never made. It seems like what he might have done if he hadn't wasted so much time with teenage girl angst.

Watch Out for Space Herpes

There were a lot of Star Wars rip-offs in the eighties, but one of the best had to be The Ice Pirates. It was an action/spoof that starred Robert Urich (Vegas, Spencer For Hire) as Jason, the leader of a band of Ice Pirates that roam the galaxy stealing ice, the most valued commodity in the universe. He has a rag tag crew (Ron Perlman, John Matuszak, Anjelica Huston, Michael D. Roberts) that follow him around. They're short on brains, but long on charm. They run into a princess, which pulls them into a quest for a legendary water planet. There are space battles, robot battles, near castrations and romance. And of course there's the Space Herpes. The battle in the time warp is just nutty and a great way to wrap up this mess. I thought this was the height of comedy in 1984. I was fascinated by the kung-fu robots and slapstick comedy. It's an enormous cheese ball but it's really fun. Watch and laugh.
Check out this A.D.D. version.

Frolf, Anyone?

Pick your Weapon

It's time to shine the Mediocre Spotlight on some outdoor fun. A few years ago I lived in Maine. It was mostly a miserable experience, but I did make friends with a bunch of lunatics that introduced me to the sport of Disc Golf. In case you're not familiar with this sport of kings, Disc Golf is played like golf, but instead of hitting a ball with a club, you throw a Frisbee. The holes are ingenious basket and chain thingies. In Brunswick, Maine there is a Disc Golf course with two different courses winding through the woods. I spent a lot of great Sunday mornings there, getting hammered and throwing my arm out. I'll never forget pulling away after another terrible round and hearing my brother vomit out of my passenger side window. Ah, athletics. I suck at Disc Golf, but it's tons of fun. I even went so far as to buy my own discs, a heavy one for my over hand driving style, a lighter one for curved shots and of course, my putter, a small dumpy disc that would sail effortlessly past the hole. Watching people, usually hippies, that really know how to play is pretty amazing. Believe me I know it sounds stupid, but Disc Golf is a lot of fun and easy on the joints for us older gentlemen. Find a course near you and give it a try. Like most fringe sports, there's even a pro league. So you could still live that pro athlete dream.

I could do this....

Bad Wrestlers Wrestling Badly!

"Iron" Mike Sharpe
Canada's Greatest Athlete!
That's right, fuck you Gretzky!

Okay, I don't want to make this a pro wrestling blog, but this shit is funny. There are a couple of things at work here. First of all, marvel at the brilliance that is Barry "O". Secondly, listen to the color commentary of Jessie "The Body" Ventura. This guy was actually Governor of Minnesota. Listen as he calls Koko B. Ware, Buckwheat B. Ware. Wow!



If your still with me after that mess, check out the titanic team of Barry "O" and "Iron" Mike Sharpe taking on The Killer Bees in a Puerto Rican Rain Match!

Shatner = Action!



Officer Pimp

 In college there was only one class I was never late for, T.J. Hooker 101. For some reason, every weekday morning at 11am, a Richmond, VA television station decided to air reruns of T.J. Hooker. My roommates and I managed to drag ourselves out of bed at the crack-of-eleven to catch the Hooker action. I'm a huge fan of William Shatner. I've watched almost everything he's been in, even Rescue 911. It's all amazing, but there's something about Hooker. It's a cheesy show, but it's also the perfect 1980's cop show. It has car chases, foot chases, jumps from ledges, hanging on cars, fistfights, gunfights, you name it, it's in there. T.J. Hooker doesn't take itself as seriously as Miami Vice or Hill Street Blues. The producers and Shatner seemed to realize that it was going to be cartoony, but people would still enjoy it because of Shatner's charisma. The guy is an amazing carny. He barely acts, he just plays himself. Captain Kirk, T.J. Hooker, Rescue 911 guy, and Denny Crane from Boston Legal are all just William Shatner. T.J. Hooker had some great guest stars. Jim Brown and Jerry Lee Lewis were featured in some great episodes and Charles in Charge and Baywatch hottie Nicole Eggert played Hooker's daughter. Of course, Shatner couldn't fight all that crime by himself. Adrian Zmed played his brash, hot headed rookie partner Vince Romano. Romano was ridiculous and the producers found amazing ways to feature his embarassing dancing. T.J. Hooker also gave Heather Locklear her start as the hot chick on the force. The action was always faced paced and in your face. Hooker was hanging on the hood of a car during the credits for fuck's sake! I recently rediscovered T.J. Hooker on the Universal HD channel. The show looks as good as ever in High Definition. And it's great to see Shatner's eighties hair. If you have Universal HD, look for T.J. Hooker and have some fun. Just watch the opening and tell me it's not Awesome!

Resist arrest....Resist Arrest...PLEASE!!!

Where's your Growler?

Russ Meyer rules! Sure some of his films are unwatchable, but he knew that. He packed them so full of big boobie monsters that most viewers had no idea what was going on. I've seen more than a few of his movies and I can honestly say that despite the overwhelming amount of flesh, they can be hard to sit through. Not Supervixens though. This one is in a class of its own. It's a simple tale of an irresistible gas station attendant, Clint Ramsey, as he is pursued by big breasted beauties, all with "Super" in their names. Who hasn't been in those shoes. Of course his luck was bound to run out and it does when his jealous wife SuperAngel gets murdered by the amazing Harry Sledge, played by Charles Napier. Now I should have an entry about Charles Napier as he is under-appreciated and incredible. You will never see a better sleaze bag. Harry Sledge's character drops the infamous term "Growler", referring to of course, to the shit house. Charles Napier has gone on to play similar characters in Rambo: First Blood Part 2, The Goods, The Blues Brothers, and Silence of the Lambs. In Supervixens, he kills SuperAngel and frames our hero for her murder. Clint goes on the lam, and after a series of run-ins with boobie monsters, he finally meets Supervixen and the two fall in love. Of course they still have good ol' Harry Sledge to deal with. Of all the Russ Meyer movies I've seen, this one is by far the funniest. It's more a dirty cartoon than movie, as the gags are stolen from Roadrunner and Coyote. One day there will be a nice edition out on Blu-Ray for those of us who are big fans. For now you can hunt down copies on Amazon or E-Bay, but be careful you get them for the correct region. If you can find it, it's worth owning. It's funny, dirty and amazing. Russ Meyer really had an eye for big talent.

Triple Tower of Awesome (and Doom)

Greatest Tag Team Ever!!

A little something different for this post. Pro wrestling sucks today. So let me take you back to a more innocent time, when teams of men would climb into a chain-link behemoth and battle until only one team remained. I give you, The Triple Tower of Doom!!

Death Rollin'

I really miss the awesome movie ads that used to populate the local newspaper. The movie section would carry all of the films showing in the area, even the pornos. I can remember reading and thinking, "What's the difference between X and XXX?" The paper also featured great explotation and horror ads, these being my favorites. These days newspapers hardly have space for ads, let alone ones with full pictures and critic's blurbs. I used to cut out the really cool ones and post them on my wall. One I remember from my really young days was the ad for Alligator. The ad was of a dark sewer, with the alligator lurking in the water. I was freaked out and facinated at the same time. Years later I finally got to see this fearsome movie from my youth and boy was I surprised. Alligator is fucking hilarious. A young John Sayles wrote Alligator and infused it with a strong sense of satire. He also added an anti-animal testing message into the film. Robert Forster is fresh off his Black Hole adventure and down in the sewers, hunting our rampaging reptile. Alligator features a number of great kill scenes, the best being the awesome one below.

Wow, killing kids is always crazy. The plot is based on the urban myth of alligators living in big city sewers. A little girl gets a baby gator, names it Ramon, then has it flushed down the toilet. The gator feasts on the corpses of animals which have been spiked with growth hormones (much like Barry Bonds). The result is a big ass alligator. The thing runs amok, and Robert Forster hunts it down. There is a fun segment with Henry Silva as an over confident big game hunter who gets his comeuppance. Lots of folks get chomped and eventually the alligator busts out of the sewer and continues it's rampage on the city streets. It's a poor man's Jaws, but there's nothing wrong with that. It does have a sequel, Alligator II: The Mutation, but it has nothing to do with the original, in fact it's basically a remake. It's okay though, not great, but not terrible either. If you're a fan of John Sayles this is a great way to see his talent shine through even in a "B" movie. Alligator is a solid "B" movie Jaws. It has a few scares, a lot of blood and a ridiculous, rampaging alligator. What more could you ask for?

One Man Wolfpack

Chuck Norris has been around for a long time now. He's made all kinds of action films, but the one that stands out from the rest is Lone Wolf McQuade. A modern day western, Lone Wolf McQuade is a bad ass karate epic. It was pussified into Walker, Texas Ranger, but don't be fooled, McQuade is hard core action. Chuck is a Texas Ranger fighting crime along the border. His boss screams at him for being a lone wolf. His ex-wife is pissed at him for being a lone wolf. No one loves the lone wolf, but the lone wolf gets the job done. He gets stuck with a partner and he's angry. Into his world steps David Carradine as Riley Wilkes, an evil arms dealing, karate master. He kills McQuade's dog, puts his daughter in the hospital and kills his friends. He even buries Chuck alive in his trusty Dodge Charger. Of course there's no way Lone Wolf McQuade takes that laying down. He powers his way out of the grave and seeks revenge, leading to the climactic karate battle between Norris and Carradine. This is a complete guy's movie, with toughness on display at every turn. Every lady I've ever known has zero patience for this movie. They throw out words like "stupid" and "lame" and I yell back "shut your hole, or I'll shut it for ya!" Just kidding, I don't like to yell. Anyway, Lone Wolf McQuade is my favorite Chuck Norris movie and worth owning. Take it home and have fun annoying your chick.


Beer and Horsepower!!

Stephen Hawking's Favorite Movie

In the late 1970's and early 80's, Disney went through a dark period. The kids stuff was there, but for a second, Disney tried to get a little gritty. Trying to capitalize on the success of Star Wars, Disney produced a couple of movies that were very different from what their audiences expected. One was Tron and the other was The Black Hole. Now I was probably too young when I saw The Black Hole. My tender sensibilities weren't ready for huge red robots slicing people up and laser lobotomies. The movie plays almost like a Sci-fi/Horror hybrid. It's more a union between Star Wars and Alien. Basically a haunted house movie, a small group of people investigate a ship that sits on the edge of the titular black hole. On board is the crazy captain, Dr. Hans Reinhardt, his robot bodyguard Maximilian, an army of robotic sentries and the ship's faceless crew. The good guys are fronted by Robert Forster, Ernest Borgnine and Anthony Perkins. In the mix are a couple of friendly robots and lots of action. There's also a lot of death, as most of the good guys buy it before the movie is half way over. The finale, where we actually go into the black hole is totally crazy. The Black Hole is a creepy movie even by today's standards. Some of the special effects are a little dated, but it's still pretty good. Disney tried to make a copy of box office hits, but they ended up making something else in the process. Don't make the mistake my mom did and take your kid to see this with a double feature of Sleeping Beauty. The kid may never be the same. Check it out for yourself and wonder what the fuck Disney was really thinking when they put this out.

 



This damned robot freaked me out.



Who wears short-shorts. The Beastmaster wears short-shorts.

So you take a guy, put him in next to nothing, give him a sword and tell him to go kill monsters, sounds cool right. Well, most people don't think so. You tell somebody you like Conan or Spartacus or any other barbarian film and they think you're either gay or retarded. Well they might not be that far off, but I want to speak up for those of us who do enjoy a good sword and sandal movie. The best example I can come up with is The Beastmaster. Now to be fair, if you grew up in the eighties it was hard to avoid this barbarian masterpiece. It ran constantly on HBO and the superstation TBS. Of course seeing it on TBS was a little different than the HBO experience, where you were treated to Tanya Roberts boobies. The Beastmaster has all the great elements of cinema: conflict, struggle and resolution. The Beastmasters struggle comes from being swapped out of his mothers belly and into a cow. Then his adopted people are slaughtered and he vows vengeance. Luckily a side effect of his cow-birth is the ability to communicate with animals. The Beastmaster's wanderings bring him into contact with weird monsters that hug you to death and a nearly naked John Amos, who obviously thought The Beastmaster was a better acting gig than Good Times. Dar, the Beastmaster, returns to his birth city where he battles Rip Torn and his butterface witches. As if they couldn't pack anymore into this adventure, you also get an army of guys who look like they came straight from The Road Warrior. Jesus, I almost forgot the human battle machines that the bad guys make by squishing green shit into people's brains. There's a lot packed in here, and I didn't even mention the ferrets. All of my friends jumped on board The Beastmaster train a long time ago and we still proudly ride. Fuck the sequels and T.V. series, they're garbage. Stick with the original, it'll treat you right every time.

Fuck yeah, Phantasmagorical!

Madman: Video Vault Classic #1

Big Scary Redneck with an Axe

Madman Marz in action!

So I was reading Ain't it Cool News as I often do, when I came across a fond movie memory. Ol' Harry Knowles was laying out the newest DVD releases and Madman made his list. I laughed to myself, remembering how silly and lovable it was. I saw it with my partners in cheesiness, the Barnett brothers, Sandy and Tim. The three of us would stay up way later than necessary watching all manner of nonsense we had picked up from the great, but now closed Video Vault. Video Vault was a repository of all things cool. We would spend hours scanning the shelves for all the great gore, titty and weird movies we good find. Madman was one we picked up, because the cover was ominous and the description was terrific. It's your typical campfire story/rampaging killer film. The writers did a nice job of creating a mythology for Madman Marz that sets up the story. There are some funny moments throughout that inspired us to take on a movie project of our own. It turned out to be the greatest unfinished film in movie history. Sadly, Johan, the Mad Lumberjack never reached it's potential, but you can see the brilliance that inspired it. Madman is hardcore in that Madman Marz doesn't play around. He finds you and he kills you. He may have had some sort of Ninja training as you'll see by some of his concealment techniques. In the end, everyone is scared of being chased by a big redneck, so that's why Madman works. It also employs the 1970's method of bad lighting. I guess they thought it was more realistic and heightened the tension if you couldn't see what the fuck was happening. Sometimes you can find Madman on the Independent Film Channel. I guess technically it was an independent film, but was Madman what they had in mind when they developed the network? Look for more adventures with the Barnett brothers in the coming weeks. Now go out and say hello to Madman Marz, tell him "Savage" Steve Payne says "Hi".

Avatar, Shamatar!

When I was a kid, 3-D was back! Not since it's golden age in the 1950's had 3-D films been hotter. Hollywood spared no expense rolling out the technology on their biggest and best films. Audiences of the 1980's were treated to a string of head scratchingly odd and cheesy films with 3-D shoehorned into them. Every movie went out of there way to have someone playing with a yo-yo, or dramatically handing something to someone else, or just shit flying towards the screen. Most of the 3-D movies of the eighties were genre films and big summer releases. The trend even spilled over to T.V., where some affiliates would have special 3-D promotions. You could go to a local supermarket or convenience store to pick up your snazzy glasses. Some of the 3-D epics that I was a fan of were: Jaws 3-D, Friday the 13th 3-D (seems to be a trend), Spacehunter:Adventures in the Forbidden Zone, Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared Syn and Treasure of the Four Crowns. All of these films, were cheesy good and kind of low budget. Jaws 3-D might be the most ridiculous entry in the series, although it's a tough call between it and Jaws 4: The Revenge. Jaws 3-D has the "Quaid Factor" working for it, so that bumps it up in my eyes. Friday the 13th 3-D is so filled with 3-D gimmicks it can be hard to watch. It's notable because it's the first appearance of Jason's iconic hockey mask. Spacehunter and Metalstorm are similar in there settings, a dangerous, dirty future. Spacehunter has a number of Master of the Mediocre favorites, namely Michael Ironside as the bad guy, the robotic Overdog. This is a cool, cheesy flick. Metalstorm is hard to describe, but basically a future lawman hunts down a mysterious cult leader type. It's basically a space western, I'm sure Joss Whedon ripped this off for Firefly. You can catch Richard Moll, from Night Court, as a big mutant guy. Lastly is a movie I know no one has seen except for me, because anyone I ever ask about it has no idea what I'm talking about. Basically a rip off of Raiders of the Lost Ark, Treasure of the Four Crowns is about a group of thieves led by J.T. Striker (greatest name ever?) attempting to steal treasures from a religious cult. Again, 3-D gimmicks abound. I was able to see this on cable and had vague memories of it for years. I could never remember it's title, but thanks to You Tube!, I was able to find it again. good luck finding it anywhere else. So what does it all mean? Is 3-D better now or then? Well, at least the glasses are better today. I'm not a fan of 3-D. I don't need shit coming at face to enjoy a movie. I don't have to be "involved" to enjoy the experience. The only 3-D movie coming out that I'm remotely interested in is Jackass 3-D, because dumb guys hurting themselves in 3-D should be hilarious. 3-D is a fun gimmick, but it's a gimmick. I know James Cameron is hot for it and wants to make it the norm, but remember, he started his career with Roger Corman, so he's got plenty of carny in him. Don't fall for the hype.

Watch out for Baal, he'll spray his goo in your face!

J.T. Striker in Action, 3-Dimensions of Action!

Jason's in your face!

Sharkto-who? Sharktopus of course!

Just Watch...


Holy fuck, what happened to Eric Roberts career? He was a real actor once. You better believe I'll watch this as soon as I can. How about that Sharktopus theme, I can't stop humming it either.

Nazi Average Bad Guys (get it Nazi, not, Not The, ha, ha, ha, ughhhh)

Just look at the evil oozing off of this fuckin' guy!

It's time to shine the mediocre spotlight on an unpopular group of maniacs. Introducing the world's favorite bad guys, the Nazi's. If you were to describe the Nazi's to someone, but didn't tell them who they were, they would think you were talking about Cobra. It's astounding what evil this bunch of idiots accomplished. Genocide, check. Medical experiments on humans, check. Black Magic, check. Development of super weapons, check. Madman leader, check. I could go on, but it would get ridiculous. If they had been a little less crazy they would have won. Luckily for us, psychosis caused by venereal disease robbed Hitler of strategic common sense. Regardless, these guys make great movie villains. From Raiders of the Lost Ark to Casablanca to Under the Rainbow, Nazi's are your go to guys for villainy. Even Star Wars had space Nazi's. I've seen movies with Nazi spies (Eye of the Needle), Nazi zombies (Dead Snow, Oasis of the Zombie), Nazi ghosts (Outpost), Nazi peeping tom killers (Crawlspace, yeah Kinski!), and of course Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS. They come in all shapes and sizes, Under the Rainbow has a midget Nazi. They make the best bad guys because they were real and it's acceptable to hate them. The Soviet's once filled this spot also, but they didn't have the staying power of the Nazi's. Along with all of it's problems, wasn't it disappointing to watch Indy battle Soviet's instead of Nazi's in Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Yeah and the aliens were awful too. Anyway, the next time you're trolling Netflix or Amazon and looking for a fun flick, find the ones with Nazi's, there always fun to hate.
This preview pretty much sums it all up nicely, enjoy.

Shame, thy name is Grease 2

So this may be the most controversial thing I ever write, but fuck it: Grease 2 is better than the original Grease. There I said it, now what? . Now I realize both movies are dumb, hell musicals are dumb, but sometimes you find a little something that hits home and pulls you in with it's magic. What got me about Grease 2 was the magic of casting. Somehow they were able to find two leads for a musical who cannot sing. Amazing. The lack of singing ability isn't limited to the leads, oh no, there are many other guilty party's. Most of the Pink Ladies and T-Bird's seem to be tone deaf. Of course I don't include the great Adrian Zmed with this bunch of ham and eggers. Zmed's got the goods (see T.J. Hooker for fuck's sake). I caught this movie on cable, the summer between third and fourth grade, so obviously I was an idiot. For whatever reason this celluloid parasite burrowed into my brain and nothing I do can shake it. I might be this movie's number one fan. I guess I can never claim to be one hundred percent hetro, but I guess that's okay. My enthusiasm for Grease 2 has made me a pariah to many. They may be right, but I don't care, I want to bowl, have a rock-a-hula lua, be a cool rider and do it for my country, dammit! I happily admit that I own the movie and soundtrack. So where does that leave us? Well I'm sure good reader you've lost any respect you might have had for my brilliant opinions. All I can say is we all have our guilty pleasures and this is definitely one of mine. If you keep reading in the coming weeks, there are sure to be more. I think you owe it to yourself to take a look at Grease 2, and try to see it through the eyes of a nine year old boy. Metaphorically speaking of course, don't cut any kids eyes out.



Wow, those guys look tough.



Donald Pleasence is a Ghoul

Ah Friday, time to put my feet up and watch some cheese ball movies. Today I want to talk about an oddity of sorts that you don't see anymore, The Clip Movie. Clip shows are still a part of television, usually as a spoof of eighties sitcom's that used clip shows constantly. The clip movie was strange because it featured scenes from movies, edited together, and usually hosted by celebrates. Still stranger, these things were released into theaters. I can't imagine who would have gone to the movies to watch a series of scenes, but these seemed to work back when there was a "Midnight Movie" market. My favorite of the clip movies was Terror in the Aisles. Hosted by Donald Pleasence and Nancy Allen and released in 1984, Terror had an interesting mix of mainstream horror scenes (Halloween, The Shinning, Psycho, Friday the 13th) and some great less well known winners (Ms. 45, Vice Squad, Frogs). There's a ton of great films smashed into 84 minutes. Donald Pleasence is great as he harrass' theater goers. The movie is divided into different segments, such as Diabolical Villains and Sexy Situations. I got to see this on late night cable and during the early days of home video. It sent me off searching for most of the featured films and I think I've seen almost all of them. I found out about Nighthawks and Vice Squad, two great action/cop films (Look for a Vice Squad entry soon). Terror in the Aisles is a fun movie for those of us who grew up during the seventies and eighties. There are a lot of films you'll recognize and some that will be brand new. It's also a good way to work someone into horror films that might not be a fan. A fun party movie, Terror in the Aisles is worth a watch, check it out.