Who wears short-shorts. The Beastmaster wears short-shorts.

So you take a guy, put him in next to nothing, give him a sword and tell him to go kill monsters, sounds cool right. Well, most people don't think so. You tell somebody you like Conan or Spartacus or any other barbarian film and they think you're either gay or retarded. Well they might not be that far off, but I want to speak up for those of us who do enjoy a good sword and sandal movie. The best example I can come up with is The Beastmaster. Now to be fair, if you grew up in the eighties it was hard to avoid this barbarian masterpiece. It ran constantly on HBO and the superstation TBS. Of course seeing it on TBS was a little different than the HBO experience, where you were treated to Tanya Roberts boobies. The Beastmaster has all the great elements of cinema: conflict, struggle and resolution. The Beastmasters struggle comes from being swapped out of his mothers belly and into a cow. Then his adopted people are slaughtered and he vows vengeance. Luckily a side effect of his cow-birth is the ability to communicate with animals. The Beastmaster's wanderings bring him into contact with weird monsters that hug you to death and a nearly naked John Amos, who obviously thought The Beastmaster was a better acting gig than Good Times. Dar, the Beastmaster, returns to his birth city where he battles Rip Torn and his butterface witches. As if they couldn't pack anymore into this adventure, you also get an army of guys who look like they came straight from The Road Warrior. Jesus, I almost forgot the human battle machines that the bad guys make by squishing green shit into people's brains. There's a lot packed in here, and I didn't even mention the ferrets. All of my friends jumped on board The Beastmaster train a long time ago and we still proudly ride. Fuck the sequels and T.V. series, they're garbage. Stick with the original, it'll treat you right every time.

Fuck yeah, Phantasmagorical!