Where's your Growler?

Russ Meyer rules! Sure some of his films are unwatchable, but he knew that. He packed them so full of big boobie monsters that most viewers had no idea what was going on. I've seen more than a few of his movies and I can honestly say that despite the overwhelming amount of flesh, they can be hard to sit through. Not Supervixens though. This one is in a class of its own. It's a simple tale of an irresistible gas station attendant, Clint Ramsey, as he is pursued by big breasted beauties, all with "Super" in their names. Who hasn't been in those shoes. Of course his luck was bound to run out and it does when his jealous wife SuperAngel gets murdered by the amazing Harry Sledge, played by Charles Napier. Now I should have an entry about Charles Napier as he is under-appreciated and incredible. You will never see a better sleaze bag. Harry Sledge's character drops the infamous term "Growler", referring to of course, to the shit house. Charles Napier has gone on to play similar characters in Rambo: First Blood Part 2, The Goods, The Blues Brothers, and Silence of the Lambs. In Supervixens, he kills SuperAngel and frames our hero for her murder. Clint goes on the lam, and after a series of run-ins with boobie monsters, he finally meets Supervixen and the two fall in love. Of course they still have good ol' Harry Sledge to deal with. Of all the Russ Meyer movies I've seen, this one is by far the funniest. It's more a dirty cartoon than movie, as the gags are stolen from Roadrunner and Coyote. One day there will be a nice edition out on Blu-Ray for those of us who are big fans. For now you can hunt down copies on Amazon or E-Bay, but be careful you get them for the correct region. If you can find it, it's worth owning. It's funny, dirty and amazing. Russ Meyer really had an eye for big talent.

Triple Tower of Awesome (and Doom)

Greatest Tag Team Ever!!

A little something different for this post. Pro wrestling sucks today. So let me take you back to a more innocent time, when teams of men would climb into a chain-link behemoth and battle until only one team remained. I give you, The Triple Tower of Doom!!

Death Rollin'

I really miss the awesome movie ads that used to populate the local newspaper. The movie section would carry all of the films showing in the area, even the pornos. I can remember reading and thinking, "What's the difference between X and XXX?" The paper also featured great explotation and horror ads, these being my favorites. These days newspapers hardly have space for ads, let alone ones with full pictures and critic's blurbs. I used to cut out the really cool ones and post them on my wall. One I remember from my really young days was the ad for Alligator. The ad was of a dark sewer, with the alligator lurking in the water. I was freaked out and facinated at the same time. Years later I finally got to see this fearsome movie from my youth and boy was I surprised. Alligator is fucking hilarious. A young John Sayles wrote Alligator and infused it with a strong sense of satire. He also added an anti-animal testing message into the film. Robert Forster is fresh off his Black Hole adventure and down in the sewers, hunting our rampaging reptile. Alligator features a number of great kill scenes, the best being the awesome one below.

Wow, killing kids is always crazy. The plot is based on the urban myth of alligators living in big city sewers. A little girl gets a baby gator, names it Ramon, then has it flushed down the toilet. The gator feasts on the corpses of animals which have been spiked with growth hormones (much like Barry Bonds). The result is a big ass alligator. The thing runs amok, and Robert Forster hunts it down. There is a fun segment with Henry Silva as an over confident big game hunter who gets his comeuppance. Lots of folks get chomped and eventually the alligator busts out of the sewer and continues it's rampage on the city streets. It's a poor man's Jaws, but there's nothing wrong with that. It does have a sequel, Alligator II: The Mutation, but it has nothing to do with the original, in fact it's basically a remake. It's okay though, not great, but not terrible either. If you're a fan of John Sayles this is a great way to see his talent shine through even in a "B" movie. Alligator is a solid "B" movie Jaws. It has a few scares, a lot of blood and a ridiculous, rampaging alligator. What more could you ask for?

One Man Wolfpack

Chuck Norris has been around for a long time now. He's made all kinds of action films, but the one that stands out from the rest is Lone Wolf McQuade. A modern day western, Lone Wolf McQuade is a bad ass karate epic. It was pussified into Walker, Texas Ranger, but don't be fooled, McQuade is hard core action. Chuck is a Texas Ranger fighting crime along the border. His boss screams at him for being a lone wolf. His ex-wife is pissed at him for being a lone wolf. No one loves the lone wolf, but the lone wolf gets the job done. He gets stuck with a partner and he's angry. Into his world steps David Carradine as Riley Wilkes, an evil arms dealing, karate master. He kills McQuade's dog, puts his daughter in the hospital and kills his friends. He even buries Chuck alive in his trusty Dodge Charger. Of course there's no way Lone Wolf McQuade takes that laying down. He powers his way out of the grave and seeks revenge, leading to the climactic karate battle between Norris and Carradine. This is a complete guy's movie, with toughness on display at every turn. Every lady I've ever known has zero patience for this movie. They throw out words like "stupid" and "lame" and I yell back "shut your hole, or I'll shut it for ya!" Just kidding, I don't like to yell. Anyway, Lone Wolf McQuade is my favorite Chuck Norris movie and worth owning. Take it home and have fun annoying your chick.


Beer and Horsepower!!

Stephen Hawking's Favorite Movie

In the late 1970's and early 80's, Disney went through a dark period. The kids stuff was there, but for a second, Disney tried to get a little gritty. Trying to capitalize on the success of Star Wars, Disney produced a couple of movies that were very different from what their audiences expected. One was Tron and the other was The Black Hole. Now I was probably too young when I saw The Black Hole. My tender sensibilities weren't ready for huge red robots slicing people up and laser lobotomies. The movie plays almost like a Sci-fi/Horror hybrid. It's more a union between Star Wars and Alien. Basically a haunted house movie, a small group of people investigate a ship that sits on the edge of the titular black hole. On board is the crazy captain, Dr. Hans Reinhardt, his robot bodyguard Maximilian, an army of robotic sentries and the ship's faceless crew. The good guys are fronted by Robert Forster, Ernest Borgnine and Anthony Perkins. In the mix are a couple of friendly robots and lots of action. There's also a lot of death, as most of the good guys buy it before the movie is half way over. The finale, where we actually go into the black hole is totally crazy. The Black Hole is a creepy movie even by today's standards. Some of the special effects are a little dated, but it's still pretty good. Disney tried to make a copy of box office hits, but they ended up making something else in the process. Don't make the mistake my mom did and take your kid to see this with a double feature of Sleeping Beauty. The kid may never be the same. Check it out for yourself and wonder what the fuck Disney was really thinking when they put this out.

 



This damned robot freaked me out.



Who wears short-shorts. The Beastmaster wears short-shorts.

So you take a guy, put him in next to nothing, give him a sword and tell him to go kill monsters, sounds cool right. Well, most people don't think so. You tell somebody you like Conan or Spartacus or any other barbarian film and they think you're either gay or retarded. Well they might not be that far off, but I want to speak up for those of us who do enjoy a good sword and sandal movie. The best example I can come up with is The Beastmaster. Now to be fair, if you grew up in the eighties it was hard to avoid this barbarian masterpiece. It ran constantly on HBO and the superstation TBS. Of course seeing it on TBS was a little different than the HBO experience, where you were treated to Tanya Roberts boobies. The Beastmaster has all the great elements of cinema: conflict, struggle and resolution. The Beastmasters struggle comes from being swapped out of his mothers belly and into a cow. Then his adopted people are slaughtered and he vows vengeance. Luckily a side effect of his cow-birth is the ability to communicate with animals. The Beastmaster's wanderings bring him into contact with weird monsters that hug you to death and a nearly naked John Amos, who obviously thought The Beastmaster was a better acting gig than Good Times. Dar, the Beastmaster, returns to his birth city where he battles Rip Torn and his butterface witches. As if they couldn't pack anymore into this adventure, you also get an army of guys who look like they came straight from The Road Warrior. Jesus, I almost forgot the human battle machines that the bad guys make by squishing green shit into people's brains. There's a lot packed in here, and I didn't even mention the ferrets. All of my friends jumped on board The Beastmaster train a long time ago and we still proudly ride. Fuck the sequels and T.V. series, they're garbage. Stick with the original, it'll treat you right every time.

Fuck yeah, Phantasmagorical!

Madman: Video Vault Classic #1

Big Scary Redneck with an Axe

Madman Marz in action!

So I was reading Ain't it Cool News as I often do, when I came across a fond movie memory. Ol' Harry Knowles was laying out the newest DVD releases and Madman made his list. I laughed to myself, remembering how silly and lovable it was. I saw it with my partners in cheesiness, the Barnett brothers, Sandy and Tim. The three of us would stay up way later than necessary watching all manner of nonsense we had picked up from the great, but now closed Video Vault. Video Vault was a repository of all things cool. We would spend hours scanning the shelves for all the great gore, titty and weird movies we good find. Madman was one we picked up, because the cover was ominous and the description was terrific. It's your typical campfire story/rampaging killer film. The writers did a nice job of creating a mythology for Madman Marz that sets up the story. There are some funny moments throughout that inspired us to take on a movie project of our own. It turned out to be the greatest unfinished film in movie history. Sadly, Johan, the Mad Lumberjack never reached it's potential, but you can see the brilliance that inspired it. Madman is hardcore in that Madman Marz doesn't play around. He finds you and he kills you. He may have had some sort of Ninja training as you'll see by some of his concealment techniques. In the end, everyone is scared of being chased by a big redneck, so that's why Madman works. It also employs the 1970's method of bad lighting. I guess they thought it was more realistic and heightened the tension if you couldn't see what the fuck was happening. Sometimes you can find Madman on the Independent Film Channel. I guess technically it was an independent film, but was Madman what they had in mind when they developed the network? Look for more adventures with the Barnett brothers in the coming weeks. Now go out and say hello to Madman Marz, tell him "Savage" Steve Payne says "Hi".

Avatar, Shamatar!

When I was a kid, 3-D was back! Not since it's golden age in the 1950's had 3-D films been hotter. Hollywood spared no expense rolling out the technology on their biggest and best films. Audiences of the 1980's were treated to a string of head scratchingly odd and cheesy films with 3-D shoehorned into them. Every movie went out of there way to have someone playing with a yo-yo, or dramatically handing something to someone else, or just shit flying towards the screen. Most of the 3-D movies of the eighties were genre films and big summer releases. The trend even spilled over to T.V., where some affiliates would have special 3-D promotions. You could go to a local supermarket or convenience store to pick up your snazzy glasses. Some of the 3-D epics that I was a fan of were: Jaws 3-D, Friday the 13th 3-D (seems to be a trend), Spacehunter:Adventures in the Forbidden Zone, Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared Syn and Treasure of the Four Crowns. All of these films, were cheesy good and kind of low budget. Jaws 3-D might be the most ridiculous entry in the series, although it's a tough call between it and Jaws 4: The Revenge. Jaws 3-D has the "Quaid Factor" working for it, so that bumps it up in my eyes. Friday the 13th 3-D is so filled with 3-D gimmicks it can be hard to watch. It's notable because it's the first appearance of Jason's iconic hockey mask. Spacehunter and Metalstorm are similar in there settings, a dangerous, dirty future. Spacehunter has a number of Master of the Mediocre favorites, namely Michael Ironside as the bad guy, the robotic Overdog. This is a cool, cheesy flick. Metalstorm is hard to describe, but basically a future lawman hunts down a mysterious cult leader type. It's basically a space western, I'm sure Joss Whedon ripped this off for Firefly. You can catch Richard Moll, from Night Court, as a big mutant guy. Lastly is a movie I know no one has seen except for me, because anyone I ever ask about it has no idea what I'm talking about. Basically a rip off of Raiders of the Lost Ark, Treasure of the Four Crowns is about a group of thieves led by J.T. Striker (greatest name ever?) attempting to steal treasures from a religious cult. Again, 3-D gimmicks abound. I was able to see this on cable and had vague memories of it for years. I could never remember it's title, but thanks to You Tube!, I was able to find it again. good luck finding it anywhere else. So what does it all mean? Is 3-D better now or then? Well, at least the glasses are better today. I'm not a fan of 3-D. I don't need shit coming at face to enjoy a movie. I don't have to be "involved" to enjoy the experience. The only 3-D movie coming out that I'm remotely interested in is Jackass 3-D, because dumb guys hurting themselves in 3-D should be hilarious. 3-D is a fun gimmick, but it's a gimmick. I know James Cameron is hot for it and wants to make it the norm, but remember, he started his career with Roger Corman, so he's got plenty of carny in him. Don't fall for the hype.

Watch out for Baal, he'll spray his goo in your face!

J.T. Striker in Action, 3-Dimensions of Action!

Jason's in your face!

Sharkto-who? Sharktopus of course!

Just Watch...


Holy fuck, what happened to Eric Roberts career? He was a real actor once. You better believe I'll watch this as soon as I can. How about that Sharktopus theme, I can't stop humming it either.

Nazi Average Bad Guys (get it Nazi, not, Not The, ha, ha, ha, ughhhh)

Just look at the evil oozing off of this fuckin' guy!

It's time to shine the mediocre spotlight on an unpopular group of maniacs. Introducing the world's favorite bad guys, the Nazi's. If you were to describe the Nazi's to someone, but didn't tell them who they were, they would think you were talking about Cobra. It's astounding what evil this bunch of idiots accomplished. Genocide, check. Medical experiments on humans, check. Black Magic, check. Development of super weapons, check. Madman leader, check. I could go on, but it would get ridiculous. If they had been a little less crazy they would have won. Luckily for us, psychosis caused by venereal disease robbed Hitler of strategic common sense. Regardless, these guys make great movie villains. From Raiders of the Lost Ark to Casablanca to Under the Rainbow, Nazi's are your go to guys for villainy. Even Star Wars had space Nazi's. I've seen movies with Nazi spies (Eye of the Needle), Nazi zombies (Dead Snow, Oasis of the Zombie), Nazi ghosts (Outpost), Nazi peeping tom killers (Crawlspace, yeah Kinski!), and of course Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS. They come in all shapes and sizes, Under the Rainbow has a midget Nazi. They make the best bad guys because they were real and it's acceptable to hate them. The Soviet's once filled this spot also, but they didn't have the staying power of the Nazi's. Along with all of it's problems, wasn't it disappointing to watch Indy battle Soviet's instead of Nazi's in Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Yeah and the aliens were awful too. Anyway, the next time you're trolling Netflix or Amazon and looking for a fun flick, find the ones with Nazi's, there always fun to hate.
This preview pretty much sums it all up nicely, enjoy.

Shame, thy name is Grease 2

So this may be the most controversial thing I ever write, but fuck it: Grease 2 is better than the original Grease. There I said it, now what? . Now I realize both movies are dumb, hell musicals are dumb, but sometimes you find a little something that hits home and pulls you in with it's magic. What got me about Grease 2 was the magic of casting. Somehow they were able to find two leads for a musical who cannot sing. Amazing. The lack of singing ability isn't limited to the leads, oh no, there are many other guilty party's. Most of the Pink Ladies and T-Bird's seem to be tone deaf. Of course I don't include the great Adrian Zmed with this bunch of ham and eggers. Zmed's got the goods (see T.J. Hooker for fuck's sake). I caught this movie on cable, the summer between third and fourth grade, so obviously I was an idiot. For whatever reason this celluloid parasite burrowed into my brain and nothing I do can shake it. I might be this movie's number one fan. I guess I can never claim to be one hundred percent hetro, but I guess that's okay. My enthusiasm for Grease 2 has made me a pariah to many. They may be right, but I don't care, I want to bowl, have a rock-a-hula lua, be a cool rider and do it for my country, dammit! I happily admit that I own the movie and soundtrack. So where does that leave us? Well I'm sure good reader you've lost any respect you might have had for my brilliant opinions. All I can say is we all have our guilty pleasures and this is definitely one of mine. If you keep reading in the coming weeks, there are sure to be more. I think you owe it to yourself to take a look at Grease 2, and try to see it through the eyes of a nine year old boy. Metaphorically speaking of course, don't cut any kids eyes out.



Wow, those guys look tough.



Donald Pleasence is a Ghoul

Ah Friday, time to put my feet up and watch some cheese ball movies. Today I want to talk about an oddity of sorts that you don't see anymore, The Clip Movie. Clip shows are still a part of television, usually as a spoof of eighties sitcom's that used clip shows constantly. The clip movie was strange because it featured scenes from movies, edited together, and usually hosted by celebrates. Still stranger, these things were released into theaters. I can't imagine who would have gone to the movies to watch a series of scenes, but these seemed to work back when there was a "Midnight Movie" market. My favorite of the clip movies was Terror in the Aisles. Hosted by Donald Pleasence and Nancy Allen and released in 1984, Terror had an interesting mix of mainstream horror scenes (Halloween, The Shinning, Psycho, Friday the 13th) and some great less well known winners (Ms. 45, Vice Squad, Frogs). There's a ton of great films smashed into 84 minutes. Donald Pleasence is great as he harrass' theater goers. The movie is divided into different segments, such as Diabolical Villains and Sexy Situations. I got to see this on late night cable and during the early days of home video. It sent me off searching for most of the featured films and I think I've seen almost all of them. I found out about Nighthawks and Vice Squad, two great action/cop films (Look for a Vice Squad entry soon). Terror in the Aisles is a fun movie for those of us who grew up during the seventies and eighties. There are a lot of films you'll recognize and some that will be brand new. It's also a good way to work someone into horror films that might not be a fan. A fun party movie, Terror in the Aisles is worth a watch, check it out.

Throw the sharp pointy thing at the monster, dummy!



Holy Shit! I never had this, to E-Bay stat!



In 1983 a movie came out that I went absolutely bat shit over. You might guess Return of the Jedi, Scarface, WarGames, Trading Places or even Mr. Mom was that film. Maybe even a little film like Yor, Hunter From the Future might be your answer. Well I'm here to tell you you're wrong, all wrong. My forbidden love is non other than Krull, that's right I said Krull! I don't want to here how it's a rip off of this or a rip off of that, Krull is king baby! It's got the Glaive for fucks sake, the most badassed, under used weapon in movie history. The Beast, our terrible villain, is awesome and his minions, the Slayers are amazing. The only thing better would be if the Slayers were played by Slayer! The plot is simple, boy meets girl, girl gets kidnapped by horny monster's friends, boy goes after girl but has a hard time finding her because the bad guys house moves around every five minutes. Finally he finds her and they live happily ever after or something. The two leads Prince Colwyn and Princess Lyssa never amounted to much, but you can see a young Liam Neeson and Robbie Coltrane as the feisty convicts who help save the day. The soundtrack is epic and great and elevated this beyond your ordinary chesseball fantasy. I remember watching a segment about the making of Krull on Standby: Lights, Camera, Action! and being transfixed. It was a Nickelodeon show that featured effects heavy movies. Krull and The Thing were two segments that I remember being terrific. My obsession with Krull went beyond the movie as I collected the comic book adaption and the board game. I guess I was a real Krull nerd. Oddly, I don't own Krull. I guess I enjoy finding it somewhere on cable. It's like coming across an old friend and saying "Hello old friend, it's time to watch a cyclops throw pitchforks at monsters". Good times.

Chopping Mall

Ever since man climbed from the primordial ooze he has dreamed of creating vigilant robotic sentries. Prehistoric cavemen stood watch outside of their caves, and thought to themselves "I wish I had a robot to do this". The 1960's was filled with wishful thoughts of the future. Spurred by the space race, computers and robotics became an obsession within the scientific world. Despite this enthusiasm, there should be caution. Robots are potentially evil and well known haters of their creators...man. Many films have tackled this subject (The Matrix, Terminator), but none have captured this threat as perfectly as Chopping Mall or as it's also known KILLBOTS. Chopping Mall tells the story of a technologically savvy mall that employs three robotic security drones. They work and function perfectly until a freak lightning strike activates their primary objective, to kill man. These killers definitely don't follow Asimov's Three Rules of Robotics. Some hard working mall employees fall prey to the rampaging automatons, before rallying and fighting back. The battle is epic and the first salvo in the man versus robot battle. I believe this film is based on a true story. Use the sacrifice of these youngsters as a message.  Never trust a robot.


Okay, most of the above was nonsense, but this is a perfectly cheesy and fun movie. There is good gore, good boobies and killer robots. And the poster is one of the best ever. Check it out over pizza and beers and have fun.

"DID YOU GET THE DIAMONDS!!"

Joe Don Baker, star of Congo

There are few movies that I enjoy watching as much as Congo. Now first off let me state that I realize the movie is stupid, but I don't care. There is something so funny about the whole thing that I can't help but laugh my ass off every time I watch it. Just Joe Don Baker's performance alone is priceless. His ridiculous R.B. Travis, owner of TraviCOM is perhaps the greatest character ever. Watching him scream "DID YOU GET THE DIAMONDS!!!" makes the movie. Congo is populated with a variety of interesting actors who must have thought they were in the next Jurassic Park. Dylan Walsh, star of Nip/Tuck, stars as Dr. Peter Elliot, kind-hearted gorilla teacher, trying to take his ward back to the jungle. Tim Curry is Herkermer Homolka, rich, quasi-philanthropist, with an ulterior motive and Ernie Hudson is the "great white hunter", Monroe Kelly. Other than Joe Don Baker, the other stand out performance is given by Delroy Lindo, as the odd ball Military Commander who keeps his bribe money in a stapled brown paper bag. His interaction with Tim Curry's character is amazing. The storyline of Congo is silly and perfect. It has volcanos, satellites, lasers, killer grey gorillas that dive into lava, killer hippos, skydiving, sign language and sesame cake. Everything you would ever want is in there. Like I said it's dumb, but fun. And oh yeah Bruce Campbell is in the mix for a hot second. He plays Joe Don's son Charlie. He leads the first ill-fated group into the forbidden Congo. Blink and you'll miss him. Congo is not perfect. When I bring it up, people usually sneer and throw things at me. But they're fools, they don't understand. Congo is good, Congo is really good! All hail Congo!

Don't Fuck With This Man!!

Today I'd like to shine the Mediocre Spotlight on Michael Ironside. In my opinion, an actor who is extremely underrated and under appreciated. Why this man has never had an award named after him I'll never know. He's been playing great villains and tough anti-heroes for over thirty years and he's still going strong. He's been in some great films, such as Scanners and Total Recall and some not so great (but still pretty awesome) films like Spacehunter, Starship Troopers and Highlander 2. In most of his roles we're treated to many different sides of the actor. For example in Extreme Prejudice, he plays a gruff ex soldier, leading a group of men into a shady operation, while in V: The Final Battle, he plays the gruff mercenary Ham, who despite his tough exterior, still hates those dirty lizards as much as pretty boy Mike Donovan. Hmm, I guess he's the same guy in both those films. But who cares, Ironside still rules (see Starship Troopers)! Today, he's making his fortune doing voice over work in cartoons (Justice League/Superman) and video games (Splinter Cell). He still pops up in films and he's as awesome as ever. He continues the great tradition of actors who can either be a good guy or bad guy, but not really change the way they act. The seventies had John Saxon, the eighties had Michael Ironside, but who will claim the nineties and beyond? I vote "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, have you seen Damage, it's amazing. Regardless, Michael Ironside has delivered a body of work that no one can trivalize. So here's to you Michael Ironside, for over thirty year's of service! Cheers...

Michael Ironside & John Saxon

We're going Prowlin'

Slasher films seem to have disappeared. Replaced by sometimes good, most times bad torture and terror flicks, slashers just don’t get the respect they used too. For some time now I’ve tried to track down all the great or just okay slashers from the eighties. One popped up on my Netflix instant queue the other day and I immediately dropped everything to watch it. It’s called The Prowler. It was made in 1981, and features some of Tom Savini’s early special effects work. The film follows the aftermath of a WWII soldier receiving a Dear John letter, and his vengeance on the town. The killer is better than most, as he’s dressed as a creepy soldier, complete with camo face cover. He uses trench knives and other soldiery killing implements. Of course in any soldier’s arsenal you’re bound to find your trusty pitchfork!? That odd weapon choice aside, The Prowler is good overall. The other characters are the usual bunch, but still die in imaginative fashions. The highlight is a terrific shotgun blast to the head. The identity of the killer is no big mystery, so don’t expect to be fooled. Just enjoy the carnage as The Prowler works his way through the youngsters of Avalon Bay, New Jersey.

Girly Goodness

Our Hero

So, I was trolling Netflix looking for something to get me through an hour or two. I like the streaming, because you know instant gratification. So I dove in and looked for something unusual. Wow, what a discovery. My first impression of Girly came from the cover photo, an attractive blond in a schoolgirl outfit holding an axe, a severed head by her side. I thought it would be the usual sex and violence I’ve come to love. I should have known better than to trust that photo. Girly does have sex and violence, but it’s done in a darkly comedic way. It’s the story of an amazingly crazy family, living in a slightly dilapidated mansion in England. The film’s original title is Mumsy, Nanny, Sonny and Girly, each representing a member of the family. Mumsy is the family’s matriarch. She makes sure that everyone is doing their duties to keep the family going. Nanny is the nanny. She cooks and cleans and anything else that’s necessary. Sonny and Girly are the children who suffer from either arrested development or retardation as they’re both adults but act like ten year olds. They play children’s games and spout odd English rhymes.

They also lure men home, make them play games, and then kill them. Everybody is completely nuts and totally into the games. The group finally meets their match when they lure a guy home with an amazing mustache. He is so manly that he seduces all three women and begins to turn them on each other. This flick reminds somewhat of Spider Baby. In both movies, the entire family is nuts and they enjoy it. It’s a little dated; it was made in 1969, but still fun. Apparently it disappeared after it was made, so not many people have seen it. Hopefully now that it is up on Netflix, more people will be available to enjoy this lost classic.

Klaus Kinski is watching you!

Klaus Kinski was a fucking lunatic and is amazing to watch. I think he's great and under appreciated. He made a number of well respected films, especially the ones he made with Werner Herzog, but my favorites are his shitty horror movies. One of his last movies was the super bad, but good, Crawlspace. Produced by schlock maestro Charles Band, Crawlspace contains the basic elements that make any exploitation film great: boobies, gore and Nazi's. Klaus stars as Karl Guenther, mild mannered landlord by day, psychotic peeping-tom Nazi by night. Guenther ingenuously utilizes his super-sized ventilation system to spy on his comely tenants. When I say super-sized, I mean these vents are big!

Guenther spends his time crafting ridiculous killing devices which require the potential victim to sit or stand in the exact perfect position, reminiscent of the giant "X" the coyote would lay down for the road-runner. Don't think for a second this is a bad thing, since every character is an idiot, and lucky to make it through the day anyway. All of the female tenants are super'80's, bad hair, bad clothes, bad music, all amazing. There is some forced character development with Klaus Kinski's Guenther and some time spent with the girls, but in the end it seemed the director was in a hurry to get the whole thing over with. The movie comes in at a breezy 80 minutes, so we're not talking a huge time commitment here. In my opinion, it could have had more gore and there's always room for more boobies. Kinski is really fun to watch because he exudes madness. If you want more of Klaus you should check out Aguirre, the Wraith of God or Fitzcarraldo. Oh, and one more great thing about Klaus, he gave the world the smoking hot Nastassja Kniski!

Post Numero Uno!!

Well here it is, post number one. Please hold your applause. After spending hours ranting to friends and family about my unique taste in films, I thought I'd bring some of that magic to the Internet for other lunatics to fight about. I'll admit it, I like horrible movies! If it's made on a shoestring budget, with terrible acting and effects, I'm there. The other day at a Labor Day barbecue, two friends were trying to tell me how bad Splice had been. Everything they said, and there was a lot, only served to make me even more interested in it. People in my circle know about my taste in movies, and often when trying to suggest a film I have to preface my recommendations with a "this isn't one of those so bad I love it movies."  Good, bad, and ugly, I've watched them all. I recently had back surgery and was on the shelf for awhile. During this time I was able to watch an endless reel of schlock, and loved it. I've bored just about everyone I can think of with tales of giant, sex assaulting maggots and Luke Perry apocalypse films and they have begged me to stop. So now I've brought my madness it to the net. So here goes...

So for a long time I've tried to find a movie from 1981, called Galaxy of Terror. It was Roger Corman's big budget ($2 million, a lot for him) rip off of Alien. I always had vague memories of my step brothers talking about it when they would come over for visits. The way they sold the movie, it sounded to fantastic to be real: Giant maggots having sex with buxom women, Joanie from Happy Days head exploding and Freddy Kruger being a good guy. In short, a crazy fucking movie. I watched and I loved it. Now, luckily for Roger Corman, he had a young upstart named James Cameron working on the effects and directing most if not all of the B-Unit material. Cameron, who wasn't well liked by a lot of folks on the crew, made the movie look really good. The script is poo-poo and the acting is okay I guess, but the movie looks really good, even with big mac cartons making up the walls of the space ship.

The overall story is kind of interesting with some sort of mystical leader named "The Master" ordering a rescue mission to a mysterious planet and then Zzzzzzz. Sorry dozed off, anyway, for Corman, a nice little, short, and fun movie. It was just released on DVD and Blu-Ray after being unavailable for a long time. I recommend you check it out for a fun evening. Get a pizza and some beer and try not to think too much about the crapiness and just enjoy.