Trick 'r Treat

Little Sam, ready for his favorite holiday of the year!

Happy Halloween, gals and ghouls! If you're looking for that perfect movie to set the mood, might I suggest a little gem that came out in 2007. For some reason, NOBODY got a chance to see this in the theaters. I guess the movie company thought nobody would get it. I heard about it in all the usual circles: Fangoria, AICN, etc. The movie is Trick 'r Treat. This movie is totally Halloween. It doesn't just take place during the holiday, it celebrates it. It's a little Creepshow and a little Pulp Fiction. Trick 'r Treat is an anthology, with four related stories told in comic book fashion. But it's also told out of order, with characters coming in and out of each story. It's fun to see small background events become larger in different stories. The cast is made up of a bunch of actors you've seen in other places, but they're not big stars yet. The biggest name is Anna Paquin, who plays a not so vulnerable Red Riding Hood. There's a little gore, a little skin and a lot of fun Halloween scares. It's short and effective. Almost everybody will enjoy this and it would make a nice compliment to that Halloween showing you've got planned. Don't get confused though, there are other Trick 'r Treat's out there. Don't make the mistake and pick the wrong one. Look for the one with little Sam on the front.

Horrifying!!!!!

Wow, what a mess.

If this commercial doesn't give you the creeps... then maybe you don't scare easily, I don't know. It's fucking creepy.

Uhhhhh...Somebody actually bought that monstrosity for $1900,
http://www.clothesoffourback.org/product_info.php?products_id=4208

Big Guns and Bigger Boobs

Sometimes it's hard to think of things to write about. I've got so much mediocrity floating around in my head it can be hard to shake something loose. To help jar an idea out, I like to dick around Netflix, randomly searching for things. It was this pointless activity that led me to the genuis that is/was (is he dead?) Andy Sidaris. Never heard of him, that's okay, that's why I'm here. Ol Andy was a good ol boy who worked in TV and then decided to get into the movie buisness. Andy loved two things Tits (Big Tits) and Guns. So Andy went out and made some of the most mediocre Tit and Gun movies you'll ever see. All of them are hilarious. And all of them were big hits in the early days of Cable and Home Video. Some of his best movies were: Malibu Express, Hard Ticket to Hawaii and Picasso Trigger. All the plots were virtually the same, featuring mostly the same actors. Of course the ladies were the real stars and were either Playboy or Penthouse models. Some of his talented ladies were: Julie Strain, Dona Speir, Roberta Vasquez (my favorite), and Shae Marks. Aside from copious amounts of boobies, Sidaris' films featured the biggest and best guns and explosions money could buy. Okay, almost the biggest and best. Most of his movies make no sense, but who cares. He knew what the audience wanted and he delivered. Andy really picked up the ball from Russ Myer and ran with it. Cable TV was a lot more fun when Andy's movies were playing. His movies are out there and cheap in a lot of cases. If you're having a slow night and you want some so-so action with huge boobies, check out the Andy Sidaris lineup.


Fuck You Anaconda!


Wow, Sybill Danning was '80's hot! Also, sorry about the picture quality.


Okay, this doesn't have anything to do with Andy Sidaris, but it's a great example of the 1980's and it's weirdness and awesomeness.

Hanzo the Razor: Sword of Justice



Our Hero

Japan is kind of fucked up. They are on the cutting edge of technology and very traditional. But their entertainment is beyond belief. Maybe it's our fault. We did drop TWO atomic bombs on them. That could lead to some country wide psychological issues. Regardless, Hanzo the Razor is a samurai film with an awesome twist. It's really a hard boiled cop movie. Like Dirty Harry or McQ, Hanzo is a beat cop who just wants to clean up the streets. Of course the setting isn't modern day San Francisco or the mean streets of New York but feudal Japan. He fights with his superiors as any hard boiled cop will and he deals out hot plates of justice with his sword and other martial weapons. Hanzo's main weapon however is his...."short sword" if you will. Hanzo goes to great lengths to train his hog, pouring hot water on it, pounding it with a stick and thrusting it into a bag of rice. He uses his tool to force information and confessions out of women involved in crimes. As with all things Japanese, women are subservient and used by the male characters. It's no different in this one. The hanging net scene is so strange and goofy, that you can't really be offended by it, but it's close. The kung-fu/sword play is bad and Hanzo is a chinless skinny-fat guy with mutton chops. I'm not sure you can call his character likable as he goes to extremes to fight crime. You would never see Dirty Harry stab a guy in the face, fake his death and then use him for information later and then let him die. Hanzo does it though. Sword of Justice was the first of a trilogy, the first probably being the best. Hanzo is an odd, somewhat disturbing movie, but the attempt to make it different from other martial arts films is noteworthy. Even the soundtrack is done in the cop movie style made famous in the U.S. I would recommend this for exploitation fans and vets of these types of movies. Exploitation rookies should probably steer clear, although it's not going to kill you to check it out. I'm not afraid to say I'm a fan, but it's not for everybody.



Family Guy's Audience

This is funny, too bad not much else on Family Guy is anymore.

Family Guy has run it's course. It was a great show that first season, but maybe it got canceled for a reason, no one was fucking watching it. Now Seth Macfarlane is a gazilionaire and FOX puts all of his garbage on the air. I think this video pretty much tells you who's keeping Family Guy on the air:



The guy with the camera sucks. Get a goddamn tripod! Greatest dog ever though. I need to get one.

Malone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!and his Wig

Have you ever seen such intensity?

In the late 1980's Burt Reynolds made a series of action films that were just amazing. Although all three are unrelated, they share the same tough guy attitude. Stick came first in 1985, followed by Heat in 1986 and finally Malone in 1987. The first of the action trilogy I'm going to profile is Malone. It's a straight forward tale. Burt and his wig are Malone, a former CIA assassin who has had enough of the game. He bails out on his last job and goes on the run. He retreats to the mountains of Washington state and tries to find peace. Unfortunately, his car breaks down in a small town that just so happens to be the home of a white supremacist militia group headed by Cliff Robertson. Malone befriends a garage owner who refuses to sell his land. Soon, Malone runs afoul of the militia and the action starts. The violence and gore are brief, but over the top. The gunshot wounds are gigantic and bloody. The scene in the middle of the film, where Malone is confronted by two would be assassins is a violent masterpiece. Burt and his wig kick major ass, blasting away with their shotgun. Of course Malone finds time for love as he reignites a romance with an old flame who is sent by the CIA to kill him. But as with all action heroes, love is never meant to last and she is killed minutes after making sweet love to our hero. Of course this means revenge and Malone and his wig comply. The finale is similar to Roadhouse and since Malone came first, I'll go ahead and say Roadhouse stole its ending from Malone. Burt Reynolds does a great job of portraying the stoic, troubled hero, with more baggage and pain than you could imagine. And of course his hair is amazing. I just don't understand what's going on there. Both Burt and Shatner must shop at the same wig store because they look interchangeable. Anyway, the wig only comes close to harm in one scene, as Malone chokes out a scum bag. For a second I thought the guy was going to grab a hold of it, but Burt was able to finish him off before any harm came to the wig. It was a close one. Malone is a great example of an action film done right. It's not over the top, it's subtle, but when shit goes down it's bloody and graphic. Netflix is currently streaming it, so check it out if you want to see a man and his wig kick ass.

Once Upon a Time...

1982 -1991: The Awesome Years

1991 - present: The "What the Fuck!" years

Happy NFL Sunday! I love football, specifically pro football. Being the Master of the Mediocre, my favorite team is the epitome of mediocrity, the Washington Redskins. Once upon a time these guys were amazing and always fun. Now, they can still be fun, but more times than not they play agonizing nail biters. If you're a fan of any sports team, you're no stranger to suffering with your team. Every year we Washingtonians cling to the hope of a winning season. We also have to deal with an outrageous number of Dallas Cowboys fans who somehow liter our area. I can understand Eagles and Giants fans since they are only a short drive up I-95, but Cowboys fans? They're just a bunch of contrary assholes who couldn't find Dallas on a map. Anyway, since today's Redskins' game isn't on until late and we're stuck watching the team Baltimore stole, I thought I'd throw something up that hearkens back to the salad days of the franchise. Enjoy.

Sometimes yuck, Most times feck.

Who needs The Hunchback of Notre Dame? Overly literate nonsense only makes me sleepy. Victor Hugo can gargle my balls. Now does anyone remember Big Man on Campus? Now we're talking entertainment! It's a ridiculously dumb movie, but it always cracks me up. It's about a hunchback played by Alan Katz, that lives in the attic of UCLA. He's discovered and befriended by the poor man's Jon Cryer, Corey Parker. Along the way Tom Skerritt and Shirley from Laverne and Shirley show up to help our hunched back hero. The hunchback names himself Bob Maloogaloogaloogaloogalooga, so you can tell we're dealing with high brow comedy. He falls in love with Corey Parker's girl, leading to romantic comedy hijinks's. Some of my favorite parts include: his speed reading, asking for two chicken faces and disgustingly scarfing down tons of chocolate. The people who actually know what this movie is are special people indeed, because it has never made it to DVD and may never be seen again. If you can find it, check it out and join our club.

A Honky Tonk Man for the Defense

My best gal saw this on T.V. today and immediately thought of me. Some "winner" was on the Judge Pirro show suing a guy he had bought a championship belt from. Now, bringing this bullshit to small claims court takes balls, but the sticking point in this case concerned who had previously worn the belt. The former owner was said to be none other than "The Greatest Intercontinental Champion of All Time", The Honky Tonk Man. The plaintiff claimed there was no way Honky had ever worn the belt and was refusing to pay. In order to defend himself, the defendant brought a special expert witness. Behold the man himself.

HTM as I like to call him, confirmed that the belt had in fact been his and everyone was happy. Johnny Litigious paid up and took his prize home, where he pranced around in his underwear, flexing his non-muscles. Honky sure fills out that jumpsuit, he takes the Elvis gimmick super seriously. Lets hope he ends up face down in shag carpet like the "King".

There's a Clown Outside Your House Right Now!



The Never-Never Van



Extremo in Action!

The Internet is full of nightmares. Meet Extremo the Clown. He lives in Portland, Oregon. Check out this video and imagine this guy creeping through your back yard at midnight. The same song is playing, only that isn't a monkey in his hand, it's a knife! Here's his website for the creepiest clown pic ever: http://www.extremotheclown.com/ Pleasant dreams...

Death Blossoming

Ask any male that grew up in the eighties about The Last Starfighter and I'm sure they'll all say the same thing, "It's fucking great!" It took every Star Wars crazed fantasy and made it reality. Imagine your playing a video game and you discover it's really a recruitment tool for an intergalactic army. That's what The Last Starfighter is all about. Alex Rogan masters the video game that mysteriously appears at his trailer park. Soon he finds himself whisked away by Centauri, an alien flim-flam man who takes him into space to the planet Rylos, which is at war. Alex initially refuses, but after all the other Starfighters are wiped out and threats appear back on Earth, Alex takes on the role as....you guessed it, The Last Starfighter. For 1984, the special effects and CGI are really amazing. The space combat is great to look at and different from Star Wars and other sci-fi films. I always heard there was an actual stand up Last Starfighter game, but I think it's urban legend. If this was made today, the game would be everywhere. Another one of those early eighties classics. I like to think of The Last Starfighter as the sci-fi movie John Hughes never made. It seems like what he might have done if he hadn't wasted so much time with teenage girl angst.

Watch Out for Space Herpes

There were a lot of Star Wars rip-offs in the eighties, but one of the best had to be The Ice Pirates. It was an action/spoof that starred Robert Urich (Vegas, Spencer For Hire) as Jason, the leader of a band of Ice Pirates that roam the galaxy stealing ice, the most valued commodity in the universe. He has a rag tag crew (Ron Perlman, John Matuszak, Anjelica Huston, Michael D. Roberts) that follow him around. They're short on brains, but long on charm. They run into a princess, which pulls them into a quest for a legendary water planet. There are space battles, robot battles, near castrations and romance. And of course there's the Space Herpes. The battle in the time warp is just nutty and a great way to wrap up this mess. I thought this was the height of comedy in 1984. I was fascinated by the kung-fu robots and slapstick comedy. It's an enormous cheese ball but it's really fun. Watch and laugh.
Check out this A.D.D. version.

Frolf, Anyone?

Pick your Weapon

It's time to shine the Mediocre Spotlight on some outdoor fun. A few years ago I lived in Maine. It was mostly a miserable experience, but I did make friends with a bunch of lunatics that introduced me to the sport of Disc Golf. In case you're not familiar with this sport of kings, Disc Golf is played like golf, but instead of hitting a ball with a club, you throw a Frisbee. The holes are ingenious basket and chain thingies. In Brunswick, Maine there is a Disc Golf course with two different courses winding through the woods. I spent a lot of great Sunday mornings there, getting hammered and throwing my arm out. I'll never forget pulling away after another terrible round and hearing my brother vomit out of my passenger side window. Ah, athletics. I suck at Disc Golf, but it's tons of fun. I even went so far as to buy my own discs, a heavy one for my over hand driving style, a lighter one for curved shots and of course, my putter, a small dumpy disc that would sail effortlessly past the hole. Watching people, usually hippies, that really know how to play is pretty amazing. Believe me I know it sounds stupid, but Disc Golf is a lot of fun and easy on the joints for us older gentlemen. Find a course near you and give it a try. Like most fringe sports, there's even a pro league. So you could still live that pro athlete dream.

I could do this....

Bad Wrestlers Wrestling Badly!

"Iron" Mike Sharpe
Canada's Greatest Athlete!
That's right, fuck you Gretzky!

Okay, I don't want to make this a pro wrestling blog, but this shit is funny. There are a couple of things at work here. First of all, marvel at the brilliance that is Barry "O". Secondly, listen to the color commentary of Jessie "The Body" Ventura. This guy was actually Governor of Minnesota. Listen as he calls Koko B. Ware, Buckwheat B. Ware. Wow!



If your still with me after that mess, check out the titanic team of Barry "O" and "Iron" Mike Sharpe taking on The Killer Bees in a Puerto Rican Rain Match!

Shatner = Action!



Officer Pimp

 In college there was only one class I was never late for, T.J. Hooker 101. For some reason, every weekday morning at 11am, a Richmond, VA television station decided to air reruns of T.J. Hooker. My roommates and I managed to drag ourselves out of bed at the crack-of-eleven to catch the Hooker action. I'm a huge fan of William Shatner. I've watched almost everything he's been in, even Rescue 911. It's all amazing, but there's something about Hooker. It's a cheesy show, but it's also the perfect 1980's cop show. It has car chases, foot chases, jumps from ledges, hanging on cars, fistfights, gunfights, you name it, it's in there. T.J. Hooker doesn't take itself as seriously as Miami Vice or Hill Street Blues. The producers and Shatner seemed to realize that it was going to be cartoony, but people would still enjoy it because of Shatner's charisma. The guy is an amazing carny. He barely acts, he just plays himself. Captain Kirk, T.J. Hooker, Rescue 911 guy, and Denny Crane from Boston Legal are all just William Shatner. T.J. Hooker had some great guest stars. Jim Brown and Jerry Lee Lewis were featured in some great episodes and Charles in Charge and Baywatch hottie Nicole Eggert played Hooker's daughter. Of course, Shatner couldn't fight all that crime by himself. Adrian Zmed played his brash, hot headed rookie partner Vince Romano. Romano was ridiculous and the producers found amazing ways to feature his embarassing dancing. T.J. Hooker also gave Heather Locklear her start as the hot chick on the force. The action was always faced paced and in your face. Hooker was hanging on the hood of a car during the credits for fuck's sake! I recently rediscovered T.J. Hooker on the Universal HD channel. The show looks as good as ever in High Definition. And it's great to see Shatner's eighties hair. If you have Universal HD, look for T.J. Hooker and have some fun. Just watch the opening and tell me it's not Awesome!

Resist arrest....Resist Arrest...PLEASE!!!