Hulk and She-Hulk Ruin America

I just don't understand anything anymore. What is the meaning of all of this? What happened to you Hulkster? Now I wish Andre the Giant had just finished him at Wrestlemania 3 and saved us all from this horror! And why is Jimmy Hart there? So many questions....

Trick 'r Treat

Little Sam, ready for his favorite holiday of the year!

Happy Halloween, gals and ghouls! If you're looking for that perfect movie to set the mood, might I suggest a little gem that came out in 2007. For some reason, NOBODY got a chance to see this in the theaters. I guess the movie company thought nobody would get it. I heard about it in all the usual circles: Fangoria, AICN, etc. The movie is Trick 'r Treat. This movie is totally Halloween. It doesn't just take place during the holiday, it celebrates it. It's a little Creepshow and a little Pulp Fiction. Trick 'r Treat is an anthology, with four related stories told in comic book fashion. But it's also told out of order, with characters coming in and out of each story. It's fun to see small background events become larger in different stories. The cast is made up of a bunch of actors you've seen in other places, but they're not big stars yet. The biggest name is Anna Paquin, who plays a not so vulnerable Red Riding Hood. There's a little gore, a little skin and a lot of fun Halloween scares. It's short and effective. Almost everybody will enjoy this and it would make a nice compliment to that Halloween showing you've got planned. Don't get confused though, there are other Trick 'r Treat's out there. Don't make the mistake and pick the wrong one. Look for the one with little Sam on the front.

Horrifying!!!!!

Wow, what a mess.

If this commercial doesn't give you the creeps... then maybe you don't scare easily, I don't know. It's fucking creepy.

Uhhhhh...Somebody actually bought that monstrosity for $1900,
http://www.clothesoffourback.org/product_info.php?products_id=4208

Big Guns and Bigger Boobs

Sometimes it's hard to think of things to write about. I've got so much mediocrity floating around in my head it can be hard to shake something loose. To help jar an idea out, I like to dick around Netflix, randomly searching for things. It was this pointless activity that led me to the genuis that is/was (is he dead?) Andy Sidaris. Never heard of him, that's okay, that's why I'm here. Ol Andy was a good ol boy who worked in TV and then decided to get into the movie buisness. Andy loved two things Tits (Big Tits) and Guns. So Andy went out and made some of the most mediocre Tit and Gun movies you'll ever see. All of them are hilarious. And all of them were big hits in the early days of Cable and Home Video. Some of his best movies were: Malibu Express, Hard Ticket to Hawaii and Picasso Trigger. All the plots were virtually the same, featuring mostly the same actors. Of course the ladies were the real stars and were either Playboy or Penthouse models. Some of his talented ladies were: Julie Strain, Dona Speir, Roberta Vasquez (my favorite), and Shae Marks. Aside from copious amounts of boobies, Sidaris' films featured the biggest and best guns and explosions money could buy. Okay, almost the biggest and best. Most of his movies make no sense, but who cares. He knew what the audience wanted and he delivered. Andy really picked up the ball from Russ Myer and ran with it. Cable TV was a lot more fun when Andy's movies were playing. His movies are out there and cheap in a lot of cases. If you're having a slow night and you want some so-so action with huge boobies, check out the Andy Sidaris lineup.


Fuck You Anaconda!


Wow, Sybill Danning was '80's hot! Also, sorry about the picture quality.


Okay, this doesn't have anything to do with Andy Sidaris, but it's a great example of the 1980's and it's weirdness and awesomeness.

Hanzo the Razor: Sword of Justice



Our Hero

Japan is kind of fucked up. They are on the cutting edge of technology and very traditional. But their entertainment is beyond belief. Maybe it's our fault. We did drop TWO atomic bombs on them. That could lead to some country wide psychological issues. Regardless, Hanzo the Razor is a samurai film with an awesome twist. It's really a hard boiled cop movie. Like Dirty Harry or McQ, Hanzo is a beat cop who just wants to clean up the streets. Of course the setting isn't modern day San Francisco or the mean streets of New York but feudal Japan. He fights with his superiors as any hard boiled cop will and he deals out hot plates of justice with his sword and other martial weapons. Hanzo's main weapon however is his...."short sword" if you will. Hanzo goes to great lengths to train his hog, pouring hot water on it, pounding it with a stick and thrusting it into a bag of rice. He uses his tool to force information and confessions out of women involved in crimes. As with all things Japanese, women are subservient and used by the male characters. It's no different in this one. The hanging net scene is so strange and goofy, that you can't really be offended by it, but it's close. The kung-fu/sword play is bad and Hanzo is a chinless skinny-fat guy with mutton chops. I'm not sure you can call his character likable as he goes to extremes to fight crime. You would never see Dirty Harry stab a guy in the face, fake his death and then use him for information later and then let him die. Hanzo does it though. Sword of Justice was the first of a trilogy, the first probably being the best. Hanzo is an odd, somewhat disturbing movie, but the attempt to make it different from other martial arts films is noteworthy. Even the soundtrack is done in the cop movie style made famous in the U.S. I would recommend this for exploitation fans and vets of these types of movies. Exploitation rookies should probably steer clear, although it's not going to kill you to check it out. I'm not afraid to say I'm a fan, but it's not for everybody.



Family Guy's Audience

This is funny, too bad not much else on Family Guy is anymore.

Family Guy has run it's course. It was a great show that first season, but maybe it got canceled for a reason, no one was fucking watching it. Now Seth Macfarlane is a gazilionaire and FOX puts all of his garbage on the air. I think this video pretty much tells you who's keeping Family Guy on the air:



The guy with the camera sucks. Get a goddamn tripod! Greatest dog ever though. I need to get one.

Malone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!and his Wig

Have you ever seen such intensity?

In the late 1980's Burt Reynolds made a series of action films that were just amazing. Although all three are unrelated, they share the same tough guy attitude. Stick came first in 1985, followed by Heat in 1986 and finally Malone in 1987. The first of the action trilogy I'm going to profile is Malone. It's a straight forward tale. Burt and his wig are Malone, a former CIA assassin who has had enough of the game. He bails out on his last job and goes on the run. He retreats to the mountains of Washington state and tries to find peace. Unfortunately, his car breaks down in a small town that just so happens to be the home of a white supremacist militia group headed by Cliff Robertson. Malone befriends a garage owner who refuses to sell his land. Soon, Malone runs afoul of the militia and the action starts. The violence and gore are brief, but over the top. The gunshot wounds are gigantic and bloody. The scene in the middle of the film, where Malone is confronted by two would be assassins is a violent masterpiece. Burt and his wig kick major ass, blasting away with their shotgun. Of course Malone finds time for love as he reignites a romance with an old flame who is sent by the CIA to kill him. But as with all action heroes, love is never meant to last and she is killed minutes after making sweet love to our hero. Of course this means revenge and Malone and his wig comply. The finale is similar to Roadhouse and since Malone came first, I'll go ahead and say Roadhouse stole its ending from Malone. Burt Reynolds does a great job of portraying the stoic, troubled hero, with more baggage and pain than you could imagine. And of course his hair is amazing. I just don't understand what's going on there. Both Burt and Shatner must shop at the same wig store because they look interchangeable. Anyway, the wig only comes close to harm in one scene, as Malone chokes out a scum bag. For a second I thought the guy was going to grab a hold of it, but Burt was able to finish him off before any harm came to the wig. It was a close one. Malone is a great example of an action film done right. It's not over the top, it's subtle, but when shit goes down it's bloody and graphic. Netflix is currently streaming it, so check it out if you want to see a man and his wig kick ass.