Once Upon a Time...

1982 -1991: The Awesome Years

1991 - present: The "What the Fuck!" years

Happy NFL Sunday! I love football, specifically pro football. Being the Master of the Mediocre, my favorite team is the epitome of mediocrity, the Washington Redskins. Once upon a time these guys were amazing and always fun. Now, they can still be fun, but more times than not they play agonizing nail biters. If you're a fan of any sports team, you're no stranger to suffering with your team. Every year we Washingtonians cling to the hope of a winning season. We also have to deal with an outrageous number of Dallas Cowboys fans who somehow liter our area. I can understand Eagles and Giants fans since they are only a short drive up I-95, but Cowboys fans? They're just a bunch of contrary assholes who couldn't find Dallas on a map. Anyway, since today's Redskins' game isn't on until late and we're stuck watching the team Baltimore stole, I thought I'd throw something up that hearkens back to the salad days of the franchise. Enjoy.

Sometimes yuck, Most times feck.

Who needs The Hunchback of Notre Dame? Overly literate nonsense only makes me sleepy. Victor Hugo can gargle my balls. Now does anyone remember Big Man on Campus? Now we're talking entertainment! It's a ridiculously dumb movie, but it always cracks me up. It's about a hunchback played by Alan Katz, that lives in the attic of UCLA. He's discovered and befriended by the poor man's Jon Cryer, Corey Parker. Along the way Tom Skerritt and Shirley from Laverne and Shirley show up to help our hunched back hero. The hunchback names himself Bob Maloogaloogaloogaloogalooga, so you can tell we're dealing with high brow comedy. He falls in love with Corey Parker's girl, leading to romantic comedy hijinks's. Some of my favorite parts include: his speed reading, asking for two chicken faces and disgustingly scarfing down tons of chocolate. The people who actually know what this movie is are special people indeed, because it has never made it to DVD and may never be seen again. If you can find it, check it out and join our club.

A Honky Tonk Man for the Defense

My best gal saw this on T.V. today and immediately thought of me. Some "winner" was on the Judge Pirro show suing a guy he had bought a championship belt from. Now, bringing this bullshit to small claims court takes balls, but the sticking point in this case concerned who had previously worn the belt. The former owner was said to be none other than "The Greatest Intercontinental Champion of All Time", The Honky Tonk Man. The plaintiff claimed there was no way Honky had ever worn the belt and was refusing to pay. In order to defend himself, the defendant brought a special expert witness. Behold the man himself.

HTM as I like to call him, confirmed that the belt had in fact been his and everyone was happy. Johnny Litigious paid up and took his prize home, where he pranced around in his underwear, flexing his non-muscles. Honky sure fills out that jumpsuit, he takes the Elvis gimmick super seriously. Lets hope he ends up face down in shag carpet like the "King".

There's a Clown Outside Your House Right Now!



The Never-Never Van



Extremo in Action!

The Internet is full of nightmares. Meet Extremo the Clown. He lives in Portland, Oregon. Check out this video and imagine this guy creeping through your back yard at midnight. The same song is playing, only that isn't a monkey in his hand, it's a knife! Here's his website for the creepiest clown pic ever: http://www.extremotheclown.com/ Pleasant dreams...

Death Blossoming

Ask any male that grew up in the eighties about The Last Starfighter and I'm sure they'll all say the same thing, "It's fucking great!" It took every Star Wars crazed fantasy and made it reality. Imagine your playing a video game and you discover it's really a recruitment tool for an intergalactic army. That's what The Last Starfighter is all about. Alex Rogan masters the video game that mysteriously appears at his trailer park. Soon he finds himself whisked away by Centauri, an alien flim-flam man who takes him into space to the planet Rylos, which is at war. Alex initially refuses, but after all the other Starfighters are wiped out and threats appear back on Earth, Alex takes on the role as....you guessed it, The Last Starfighter. For 1984, the special effects and CGI are really amazing. The space combat is great to look at and different from Star Wars and other sci-fi films. I always heard there was an actual stand up Last Starfighter game, but I think it's urban legend. If this was made today, the game would be everywhere. Another one of those early eighties classics. I like to think of The Last Starfighter as the sci-fi movie John Hughes never made. It seems like what he might have done if he hadn't wasted so much time with teenage girl angst.

Watch Out for Space Herpes

There were a lot of Star Wars rip-offs in the eighties, but one of the best had to be The Ice Pirates. It was an action/spoof that starred Robert Urich (Vegas, Spencer For Hire) as Jason, the leader of a band of Ice Pirates that roam the galaxy stealing ice, the most valued commodity in the universe. He has a rag tag crew (Ron Perlman, John Matuszak, Anjelica Huston, Michael D. Roberts) that follow him around. They're short on brains, but long on charm. They run into a princess, which pulls them into a quest for a legendary water planet. There are space battles, robot battles, near castrations and romance. And of course there's the Space Herpes. The battle in the time warp is just nutty and a great way to wrap up this mess. I thought this was the height of comedy in 1984. I was fascinated by the kung-fu robots and slapstick comedy. It's an enormous cheese ball but it's really fun. Watch and laugh.
Check out this A.D.D. version.

Frolf, Anyone?

Pick your Weapon

It's time to shine the Mediocre Spotlight on some outdoor fun. A few years ago I lived in Maine. It was mostly a miserable experience, but I did make friends with a bunch of lunatics that introduced me to the sport of Disc Golf. In case you're not familiar with this sport of kings, Disc Golf is played like golf, but instead of hitting a ball with a club, you throw a Frisbee. The holes are ingenious basket and chain thingies. In Brunswick, Maine there is a Disc Golf course with two different courses winding through the woods. I spent a lot of great Sunday mornings there, getting hammered and throwing my arm out. I'll never forget pulling away after another terrible round and hearing my brother vomit out of my passenger side window. Ah, athletics. I suck at Disc Golf, but it's tons of fun. I even went so far as to buy my own discs, a heavy one for my over hand driving style, a lighter one for curved shots and of course, my putter, a small dumpy disc that would sail effortlessly past the hole. Watching people, usually hippies, that really know how to play is pretty amazing. Believe me I know it sounds stupid, but Disc Golf is a lot of fun and easy on the joints for us older gentlemen. Find a course near you and give it a try. Like most fringe sports, there's even a pro league. So you could still live that pro athlete dream.

I could do this....